||[Sep. 28th, 2005|12:48 am]
Who are You? Who am I?
Hi... I'm new and I realise there's probably no one who reads this anymore, but hey, I can pretend someone will.
I'm Cameron, everyone calls me Kamma though. I'm a 17 year old guy and live in Australia. My life is music, I would honestly die without it. The world is music, I don't believe there's a truer form of expression in this hell-hole than the Written word, and no more beautiful way to get those words across than music.
If a song has soul, you can tell. That's the kind of music I like. I listen to anything that brings emotion out in me.
The reason I joined this Community is that I need to say things, things I can't say to the people I love. I don't want to worry them. Even if no one reads this, at least I've got it out.
Now, for the insanity.
I honestly think I'm starting to lose it... people are starting to tell me I have a drinking problem, and I don't know if they're right or not. My depression has been really bad lately... which is the reason I've been drinking alot. I feel more miserable when I'm drunk, but it's like I'm lost in myself and it's where I deserve to be.
I've also been hurting myself lately... which I hate myself for, because I think it's stupid. I've been angry at others for doing it and now I start. I realise most people's first impression when they read those words is something along the lines of "attention seeker" but if that were the case, I'd let my friends, girlfriend and family see the marks. I don't do it for attention, I don't even do it consciously. Sometimes I just think I deserve it and then... I'm kind of scratching myself until I bleed.
I know I'm depressed and I know that there's a chance I could have a disorder, but I'm too afraid to get help. I don't know how to go about it without my parents finding out, I don't want them to think I'm crazy, or worry. I can't afford to see a councilor on my own. Even if I could go, I'd be afraid to actually talk about these problems to a stranger, face to face, and after all that, I'm terrified that they'll tell me I do have something wrong with me. That I'm insane and need to be locked up for my own good.
I'm not suicidal... as much as I'd like to give up now, I find the thought immoral. I couldn't do that to my family, my friends and especially the girl I love.
I just want to feel normal again. I want to be happy with what I have. Most of all, I want to know; Who am I?